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Welcome to the birth prep podcast. I'm Taylor, your birth bestie, who's here to support you as you plan and prepare for the unmedicated birth of your dreams. If you're ready to ditch the fear, conquer the hospital hustle, support that bump and bod, and walk into the delivery room like the HGIC you were born to be, then buckle up, babe.
This is where it all goes down. Hello, hello, and welcome back to the birth prep podcast today. I want to chat with you about something very important.
Okay. Probably more important to you than to me, but I need to talk to you about it because I need to make sure that everybody's on the same page and ready for the big day. Okay.
That's my job. We're going to chat about your man today. Okay.
I get more questions about y'all's men than I think any other question that I get. And that's so telling, right? Because that reveals to me that the core of most of you, what you really truly want in that delivery room is somebody that's going to love you and see you and hold you and be there for you in every single way that you could ask or think or imagine. Like that's what you want at the core of everything.
And of course you want that to be your man. You love that guy. When you look at the Bible's role for your husband, it makes sense that that's what you were created to want that because he was created to be a provider.
He was created to love you like Christ loved the church. He was created to protect you, all the things. Right.
And I know that you're doing the majority of the work here. Okay. I'm not trying to discount that, but at the end of the day, you guys are doing this together.
This is a life you made together and a life you're bringing forth together. And it makes sense that there's such a strong desire for you guys to have somebody who is ready and willing to go all in for you in your birth space. Your birth partner is a tool.
And yes, it's meant as like a cute little play on words, because honestly, depending on the season of life that you're in and the relationship that you have and all of that, that phrase might be hidden a little differently for some of you right now. Some of you heard that title and thought, oh, she doesn't know the half of it, girl. And he is like a total tool.
Okay, fair. Maybe he is sometimes, but that is not what we're talking about today. What we are talking about is flipping that word on its head and getting you to see your birth partner the way I see them as one of the most powerful tools available to you in that delivery room.
If this is a big if, okay. If they are actually prepared, an unprepared birth partner can kind of just like by definition, be a total tool, like the bad kind, you know, they can accidentally derail your birth without meaning to, without even knowing that they're doing it, with nothing but love in their heart and no idea what to do with it. Like they can be like, I want to support you in any way that you need and want, but like, they don't know what that actually means.
Versus a prepared birth partner, a prepared one is like a total game changer. They can be the difference between the birth you planned and the one you're still recovering from emotionally two years later, like truly. And that's a big deal.
And I love seeing more men so interested in the birth process and wanting to be involved and super supportive and knowledgeable in all the things I've seen. I've definitely seen an uprise of it. Okay.
But there are so many men that walk into that building completely unprepared, or maybe they went to the hospital birth class with you, or maybe, you know, you told them a few things, or you guys read the pregnancy app a few times together or whatever the case may be, but they're going in like relatively blind, you know, and that doesn't actually serve you. At that point, if that's what is going to happen, he better at the very least to hire a doula for you so that she can do the job that he does not want to do or is refusing to learn to do. I hate to word it that way, but that's truly the case here.
You are not responsible for the birth experience just because you're the one carrying the baby. That should be a partner deal. The birth is a partner deal.
And if he's never educating himself, never, you know, learning what you need, never having these conversations with you, blowing you off when you bring a video to him to show him or whatever, that's not fair. I'm just going to say that. That's not fair.
That is putting the entire mental, emotional, physical weight of pregnancy and bearing a child on you. And then just like being there for the fun parts, holding the baby, making the baby, things like that. And that's prayerfully, hopefully not the kind of man you are dealing with, but that is something that I see so often is men that just refuse to do the work to learn to do better in that space for their women.
And we're going to change that. Okay? So this is a vital episode for this. I am like on a rant now at this point, but let's, let's get into it.
Okay. Because we're, we really need to talk about what your partner should actually be doing because wanting to be supportive and saying you will be supportive is not the same as actually being able to be supportive. So let's get into this first, the unprepared partner problem.
Let me paint you a little picture. And I really want you to put yourself in this moment because this is the reality of so many women. Okay.
You've spent months preparing for this birth. You've listened to the podcasts. Hi.
Hello. Obviously, you've read the things you've thought about your birth plan. You know, you want to go unmedicated.
You've got intention. You've got desire. You've got the vision.
You've got all the things, right? And your partner, your partner loves you. Like genuinely loves you. They're so excited.
They've downloaded the hospital parking app or, you know, they know where the ice chips are. They, they've got the hospital bag in the car. They're ready to go.
They practice the stroller and the car seat, except they're not actually ready. Not for what's actually about to happen in that room because nobody talked to them about what their actual job was. Nobody gave them a role.
Nobody told them what to say, what to do, what to watch for, what to fight for on your behalf. They just kind of showed up ready to support you, of course, but with zero tools to actually do it. And I see this happen all the time.
It's literally so, so common. Like I see partners who are just standing in the corner during contractions, like not knowing what to do, like the helpless shrug guy, you know, or the partner who, when the nurse is offering the epidural for the third time, turns to you and says like, I mean, do you want it? Like, it's been a while you're struggling, like, you know, X, Y, Z, whatever he says, just like dismissive of what you wanted instead of supporting what you wanted. I've also heard this specific story this week.
It's like, he looked at me like he was waiting for permission to let me give up. And I almost did it just because he looked scared. And that was someone who reached out to me and was like, gosh, like, that was crazy.
I felt like I was doing it by myself and it was really hard and I did it, but it was a real struggle. And she was sharing with me how she's going to do it differently next time because they want more kids. And she's like, he just like didn't show up like I thought he would.
He was so excited and so supportive, like all the things we just said, right? And he failed her in the moment. And, you know, of course, she did what she needed to do, but she felt alone in it. And that's really difficult from someone who felt alone in my first birth because my partner just didn't really know what to do.
He did all the things. He went to the hospital birth class with me. He went, he would listen and chat with me about all the things that I was learning and everything.
And he was so ready to be supportive. And I knew that he loved me and all the things, but gosh, like it was, it was a struggle in that birth space. And he was there hands-on for me.
He did what I asked and all the things, but he didn't know how to advocate for me. I mean, I didn't know either. It was just like, I needed someone there for me, like just helping me in a different way than just physically helping me.
Physically being there is so great and so wonderful. And it's not enough for such a mental and emotional experience. You know, I've heard so many stories over the years, like literally countless.
I had one where their partner got into it with a nurse at the wrong time, said the wrong thing, whatever. Suddenly like the entire energy in the room had shifted and she was left managing his emotions, literally in the middle of a contraction. And I'm sure that was real fun for her.
Or there was one that her partner went and got ice chips. Y'all know about the ice chips, right? If you don't, get you some ice chips when you're in labor. They're the best.
And the hospitals have great ice. Anyways, he went for ice, literally, and then didn't come back for 20 minutes because someone in the hall asked him how it was going or whatever. He saw someone in the hall or someone in the waiting area or whatever.
And they started chatting it up and he was gone for literally 20 minutes when she was in transition. And she felt like literally abandoned, I can imagine. And was probably like fastly approaching the time to push.
Could you imagine if he would have missed out on the birth? I'm not saying these men are bad people. I'm not saying these men don't love their wives. I'm not saying any of those things.
I'm not a man hater, okay? They just didn't know what their job was. And when you don't know your job, you're going to default to your instincts, especially in a high pressure, high stress situation, which birth can very typically be. And your partner's instincts, men's instincts are wired to fix things, to make you comfortable, to remove the pain, to fix the problems that you're having.
They see the issues and they're like, oh, what can I do to fix it? What can I do? And in an unmedicated birth where the plan is to feel the things and to move through it all and to be present and to just do the things that were practiced and all that, those instincts can work directly against you. So that's why it is so important to prep together, specifically on purpose before labor begins, okay? So next we're going to talk about what a prepared birth partner actually does because I want you to see the difference. I want it to be concrete in your brain.
I want you to walk away from this episode with a picture in your head of who you guys are training to become, him specifically. I'm not saying that you have to train him, but if there's not even conversation about it, you're going to have to open the door for conversation. And all day long, we can want it the other way and all that stuff, but until you bring your needs to the table to be discussed, you can't expect someone to read your mind and all that, okay? Ask me how I know.
How long have I been married for? A long time. Nine years almost? Together for 14? Anyways, I had to learn that the hard way. You can't expect them to read your mind, bring the needs to the table, and then if the needs aren't met, then there's an issue.
But there's not an issue beforehand, even though we want it, right? It's like, I don't want to have to tell him. I don't know. That was always my thing, especially when I was younger.
I was like, I don't want to have to tell him that I want to go on a date. I just want him to plan the date and we'll go on it. And that's fair.
And also, he can't read my mind. So if I actually want the date, truly, I got to let go of the desire of him to want to want to do it and to figure it out before I open my mouth and ask about it. Anywho, that was a side tangent.
But you know what I mean? I just don't want that to be something that's going to hinder you from getting this work done because this work is incredibly important. And I understand that there's feelings involved and things like that. And at the end of the day, you need what you need that day more than anything.
So the first thing that I want your man to do, okay, and hopefully you're listening. Hello, Mr. Man. First thing you're going to do is understand the why.
What is your wife's why for wanting an unmedicated birth? Not just, oh, she wants to go unmedicated. That's the what. I know about that.
That's why she's here. I know that about her. I need you to know the why.
Why does this matter to you? What does this birth experience mean to you? What are you afraid of losing if it doesn't go the way that you're hoping? Because when you're eight centimeters and you're shaking and you're saying things like, I can't do this anymore and this is too much, this is too hard. I want to go home. Please let this be over.
Dear Jesus Lord, help me. All those things. Your partner needs to know deep in their bones why you started all this.
They need to be able to hand your why back to you when you can't hold onto it yourself. That is truly the core of all the work because that is honestly so important to be on the same page about. If you just did that, you'd be so much farther than the majority of women who walk into the hospital with their partners who want an unmedicated birth.
Just you guys being so concrete in the why you're doing it changes the odds of your success drastically, probably more than you'd think. Second thing, men, you need to know the plan and the non-negotiables. You should not be reading the birth plan for the first time in the delivery room.
You promise you're not going to do that? You need to honestly be a part of making it. You need to know what's on it and why. You need to know which things are absolute non-negotiables versus which things are just preferences because in the moment, someone's going to need to make decisions.
You guys both need to be on the same page and not surprised by what's being asked. Third, there's a job description here. This is not just some cute, oh, I'm going to go watch my wife give birth.
You have a job to do, a real job. This is my favorite thing to work through with couples because most of the time, the partner genuinely wants to help. I see it all the time.
They love you. They want to help so much. They just really, truly don't know how, which is fine.
They've probably never done this before. And if they did, they probably sucked at it and they didn't have any other further instruction. So when you give them something specific to do, it's like they almost come alive.
They're like, oh, I have a thing. I can do this thing because so many men feel helpless. You are the one who's physically doing the majority of the work.
I'll just tell you a quick story. My last hi, pretty baby. My last birth experience two months ago was just with my husband.
Obviously, a much different birth than you guys are aiming for, but he was the only one there. He had to really know his job and he felt like afterwards talking about it, he's like, it was so cool. It's just so cool.
He's caught our last two babies, but he said it's just so cool to get to see something that no one else can see. He's like, you don't even get to see it. And he's like, you don't get to catch the baby.
He's like, you didn't unwrap the cord from her. Cord was wrapped like three times. He quickly unwrapped her and stuff.
He's like, I got to see that and see that there is an issue and plan for it in my head in advance and solve the problem. He was so stoked about that. He had a true sense of satisfaction from that.
Love that. Love that he got that. Then we went recently and got her birth certificate done.
I know you're such a smiley girl right now. I'm trying to feed you. You're distracting me.
We went and got her birth certificate done and he is listed as the physician because there was no doctor here. He just loved that. Anyways, he had a job and a job title and all the things.
It was great. But it's just amazing how different he shows up or how different he has shown up when he's had something specific to do. It's truly changed the way that I feel supported and it truly has changed the way that he experiences birth with me too.
It's a win-win. I love doing this work with couples and chatting through this stuff because their job description could honestly include so many different things, right? Like counter pressure during contractions. Hip squeezes are the best, right? Where to push, how hard, what to watch for, monitoring the environment.
Are the lights staying dim? Is there someone in the room who doesn't need to be there? Is the music still on? Things like that. Where's my girl's fluffy slippers? She needs those stat. Advocating at the door.
Almost like they're your birth bouncer, protecting your little birth bubble. Nobody comes in without your permission. Speaking on your behalf when you can't.
If you're in a contraction, someone asks you a question, your partner answers for you. He knows you've been struggling. He's like, hey, actually, I'm taking care of all that stuff right now.
What do you need? Watching the room for subtle pressure because pushback isn't always loud. Sometimes it can just be the cute little well-meaning sentence that just takes you by surprise. Sometimes it's just a tone of the voice or a little raised eyebrow.
Literally, it's any little thing, right? They can see that and acknowledge it or remove it from the space. Literally, there's so many jobs that he can do. Understanding what you guys want out of the situation, what you want specifically in support.
Are you done with the unlatch, latch, unlatch, latch? Girl. Well, special guest, highly girl. She's being crazy today.
Let's move on to the fourth thing. They need to know what transition looks like. This is incredibly important.
Early labor, active labor. I mean, it could be tough, right? Don't get me wrong. We can be tough and all the things, but when transition hits, it's like you go into a different world.
I don't want to say that to scare you, but the support is going to look different. That's the time where I'm just like, don't leave my side. First of all, I was a little in denial that I was in labor because I was just ignoring it until I knew it was a thing or not.
Because that's what I choose to do in order to help my mindset. I was just going about my day. I didn't know if it was labor or not.
I didn't know if they was coming today or in three days, five days, 10 days. I don't know. I was 41 weeks.
She was due, but I just went about my day and he was gone all day. Literally, he worked and then he had a meeting and stuff like that. I handled the whole day.
I played Play-Doh with my kids. We built Legos. I was having contractions throughout the whole day.
I kept up on laundry. Then he came home, helped to dinner, stuff like that, then went to his meeting and then came back. I was like, I might be in labor.
I don't know. This might be it. Just keeping him posted, but I did all of it by myself.
It's not that it was like, oh, he wasn't there for me. It's like, I didn't really care to have him there. I just was ignoring it and I didn't... Are you laughing? Are you laughing, girly? She's like, once in a while, she'll let out a little noise, but she's going to start laughing soon.
Usually my babies do around three months, but they were two months old and a week. Yeah. Yeah.
Cutie girl. Anywho, I spent that whole night just in denial about it and didn't really need him or want him there, to be honest. Keep me fed and that's about it right this second.
Oh, he also went to work that night. He did a job for my dad that night and got back at midnight or one o'clock in the morning, I think. I had just finished cleaning my room.
I was having contractions. I was probably in active labor at that point. Then we decided, all right, let's go to bed and we'll see what happens.
Then four o'clock in the morning, I woke up and transition hit. Then he wasn't allowed to leave my side because I needed him for every contraction and all that. It was only an hour and it was fine, but that was when I needed him the most.
That's when I always need him the most. When I was in my very first hospital birth, if that man even thought about going to the bathroom when I was in transition, you best believe it would have been the end of the world. I needed him so badly.
I just can't get over you. You're just so cute. It's just so important that they know what it looks like and understand that that is the final countdown.
Because if your partner doesn't know what transition is and transition hits, which is beautiful, but also very brutal phase right before you fully dilate, it's usually the most intense. It's the shortest part of active labor. If they don't know what's supposed to happen, they're probably going to panic a little bit because things can shift very quickly.
I went from cleaning my room to like, oh my gosh, I'm literally dying. That's a big difference. I was sleeping and then I was just like, okay, there's no way I can even climb back in this bed.
I'm in so much pain. I can't do this. Please help me.
That was it, right? We went to the bathroom because that's where, I mean, we didn't really have a spot to have babies. That was the cleanest spot to have babies because we were going to be doing all the cleanup ourselves. That's what we did.
Then he didn't leave my side. It's so important for you specifically. It's not even like, oh, he's not doing his job, but it's for your nervous system.
It is imperative that they are on their A game during that time because you don't need the adrenaline and the stress and all of that kicking in at that time when you need to truly be focusing on oxytocin and endorphins, like your hormones at play. The adrenaline, that's great when it's pushing time. Then we can worry about that.
That's how it's designed. But if you are stressing out at your core, the fight or flight kind of pops up and that is the difficult to control it because your brain kind of just goes off into a different spot. That's what I mean by going into a different world.
Gosh, I'm going all over the place with this. I'm ADHD all over. I'm so sorry.
Anyhow, this is just the most incredibly vulnerable state of this time. You need to make sure that the person next to you is not terrified and not knowing what to do. You are going to interpret that as like a threat to your safety and that's not going to help anybody.
You're going to probably get real mad at him. You're probably going to want it to change and it just isn't going to change with the tools that you're going to have in that moment. A prepared partner knows that this is transition.
This is what we talked about. This is what it looks like when it's almost over. Their whole job in that moment is to be the steady one, to be calm, cool, collected, to remind you what you both know is true, that your baby's almost there.
You're about to hold your baby. This is the end. This is just the last part we have to get through, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, right? So let me just recap those really fast.
One, two, three, four, because that was a lot. Number one, understand the why. Number two, know the plan and know the non-negotiables.
Number three, have a job description, a real one. Know it, understand it, be ready for it. Number four, you know what transition looks like because this is so important.
Okay. We got to 25 minutes real fast today, but I have one more thing that I really want to talk to you about is the layers of training the birth partner. Again, not that you have to do the training, but there's a training process and these are the layers.
The first layer is mindset. This is the why conversation. This is where you sit down and actually like really dive into this stuff together and talk about the mindset.
Like ask, ask them questions. Like ask your partner, like what are you afraid of? Because they have fears too. And if those fears are unaddressed, they're going to show up in the delivery room.
Okay. The partner who's terrified of seeing you in pain that has never said so is literally a liability. So get it on the table now.
Layer two is information. Your partner needs to understand the basics of what's happening, not a medical degree's worth of information, just enough that nothing surprises them. Honestly, have them do the birth prep course with you.
That's I think the perfect amount of information. That way they understand the stages of labor. They understand what transition looks like.
They understand why adrenaline is labor's enemy and how they can help you regulate your nervous system. They need to know what pushback sounds like and what to do when they hear it, because it's probably going to come. And if they don't recognize it, they'll accidentally agree with it, like things like that, right? Like this is genuinely one of the reasons why I built the birth prep course the way that I did, because I wanted it to be something that you guys could go through together and have everything that you need by the end of it.
The partner who has done some education shows up in that room with so much more capacity to actually help. It's quite literally like night and day difference. And layer three is the skills.
This is the hands-on stuff. This is the non-negotiable like training stuff, right? Like you guys need to practice this before you're in labor. Practice your counter pressure, your hip squeezes, practice position changes, practice advocacy language, and literally like sit there and like go through like role play scenarios, like give them phrases, literal sentences, like, hey, we'd like a moment to discuss that.
Or can you help us understand why you're recommending this, you know, et cetera. So that is the process. Layer in those things and you guys will get prepared and be ready for the big day.
And I'm so excited that you're doing this work. If your birth partner is actually listening to this with you right now, which I love that for you, or if you're going to send this to them, which I highly encourage, I just want to speak to them for just a minute. Okay.
Hello. Hi. You're doing a great thing by being here.
Seriously. I know this might feel like a lot. I know birth can feel like this territory that belongs to women and you're sort of on the outside of it, trying to figure out where exactly you fit into the puzzle.
And I want you to know that you do fit. You fit right in the middle of this. You are not a bystander.
You are not just a bag carrier and a hand holder. You are one of the most important people in that room. Second to only the one giving birth.
Okay. What you do and what you don't do matters more than you could even know or think. Your energy matters.
Your calm matters. The fact that you know the plan and you've practiced your role and you know what transition looks like, that all matters so much. That's the difference between your partner feeling alone in one of the hardest moments of her life and feeling like someone is right there with her steady on purpose with something to actually offer her.
Your love for her is already there. I'm not asking you to manufacture that. I'm asking you to translate it into something that she can feel and use in the room.
And that takes preparation. Real intentional. This actually matters preparation.
Okay. She's doing incredible work to prepare for this birth. She's here.
She's doing it. She's learning the things. She's practicing.
She's changing the way she operates. The very best gift that you can give her while she's on this journey is doing your work too. Okay.
I'm done. That's it. There's work to be done.
You guys are absolutely capable of doing the work and you guys are going to be better for it. I'm praying for you guys. I'm wishing you guys the absolute best.
And if you guys want help doing this work, we do it all inside the birth prep course. All the things we talked about and then some. The link to enroll is in the show notes.
And if you have any questions at all, just shoot me a DM on Instagram and we'll chat about it. Okay. I think that's it for today.
I'm rooting for you guys. I'll chat with you again next week. Until then, as always, happy prepping.
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